I had the most bizarre impromptu conversation with a stranger the other day. Here’s the scene: at the school waiting for the kids with some other parents. A parent is going through the lost and found and commenting on some of the losses, such as a lonely teddy bear and likely a lonely child as a result. I recounted a tale of a loss of my own teddy bear as a child, and subsequent heartbreak as I was never reunited with said bear. Another parent began a vehement tirade of how children should experience loss and heartbreak, and how she would never try to prevent sad or painful experiences from her child(ren). I was shocked by the vehemence, again from someone I don’t even know! And it certainly got me thinking…
I know I have discussed with many parents/friends a similar topic/line of thought. In today’s world where kids seem to have everything, where do we draw the line? When are we ‘spoiling’ our children? Can we be too kind? These are questions at the top of the list. Too bad there is no book of answers we can refer to.
Personally, I don’t see the point in making my children suffer. Another mother from the original tale of the afterschool lost and found incident, told us how another mother suggested to her when she was pregnant “get two of everything your child develops an attachment to! It will save you a lot of grief!” Those were good words of wisdom in my opinion. In most cases of attachment loss, one is likely dealing with a toddler, who cannot rationalize the experience of the loss. It just sucks. And they will make sure everyone around them knows how much! On our recent trip to St Lucia we met a family with a boy around 9, who had brought his PSP and numerous games with him to occupy him during the airport wait and long flight. When we arrived and were checking into the hotel, bleary eyed and jet lagged, the bag containing the PSP and games down for a minute. In a minute, the bag was gone. As you can imagine, the boy was upset. Not only did he lose those things, but to make it worse, he himself had saved up his own money to buy those things. Pretty discouraging experience I’d say! Not a nice way to start a trip, or encourage travel either.
On the opposite side, there are parents who force their kids to do things they don’t like “because they had to do it when they were kids, and it was good for them”. I don’t see it as being ‘too nice’ to listen to my children, when they say they don’t like something. My older son wants to be a rock star. He started Piano several years ago to work toward this goal, and has since added a few other instruments to his playlist. One Saturday came, and with it his weekly lesson. He started to cry, and said “I think I’d really like a break.” There was part of me who wanted to say “You have a goal son, if you want to achieve it, you need to work hard towards it!” But my heart told me the right thing to do was to give him a hug and say “You know what, take a break for a bit and see what you think.” I don’t think I am doing a disservice by teaching them to make their own choices and that I respect their opinion. When they say they don’t want to brush their teeth, however, that is another story!
There was an article recently in “Toronto Life” that mentioned the school my children went to, and more specifically that there was a huge up in arms battle at the beginning of the year because yogurt tubes were part of the snack program. It is shocking to me that it can be considered too nice to try to prevent your child from feeling any degree of pain, but yogurt! In tubes! Well, that’s something we really must stop in the pursuit of making our children better people.
My older son and I also had our first ‘tween’ argument, around xbox playing and the games he can play. I’m not a fan of video games, I confess, but they are part of a 10 year olds life. He is allowed to play, under ‘strict’ time restrictions and limitations on what he plays. He thinks I am being a stuffy mom of course. I did my best to explain I’m not trying to be stuffy or ruin his fun. But trying to make him a good and happy person is my job, and I don’t think xbox has a big role in that job.
I hate to admit in the midst of Olympic fever that it makes me a little sad. I think of the children, who are pushed day in and day out, into a particular sport with the goal of being THE BEST. While it must be a wonderful experience for the person standing on the podium getting the gold medal, I think a lot of hearts have probably been broken along the way. Perhaps I am too much of a softie.
I know it’s hard to make choices to help our children navigate the world, which is becoming increasingly more complicated. I recall when my son was about to start school, and I was worried about his confidence, which at that time led him to believe he was THE BEST, at everything!!! My psychologist and friend said wisely to me: “Let him learn from others that he may not be the best. But let him think that to you, he is the best.” He did learn along the way in his life that he indeed was not the best at everything. And I am glad he didn’t learn in from me. My view is that there is enough pain and suffering out there. Inevitably they will learn about loss, about heartache, about how nasty some parts of the world and existence in it are. I would rather be the part of the world they associate with comfort, love and joy.
You only get to be a kid once and for a short time at that – there's plenty of time later to learn the pain and sufferring ropes…
You only get to be a kid once and for a short time at that – there's plenty of time later to learn the pain and sufferring ropes…