A couple of weeks ago, while driving home and caught in gridlock, I was watching the woman in the car behind me in my rearview mirror. She was full out singing along with full enthusiasm to whatever song she was listening to, or so I assumed. I also assumed it was for the benefit of backseat passengers, as I saw the rims of car seats and by the way she kept looking in her rearview. “I remember those days”, I sighed to myself.
But, being stuck in traffic and left with time to think, I thought to myself, what if no one is in the car with her? Suppose her performance is only for herself? “Good for her,” I thought. Then I further pondered how certain things are ok if you are NOT alone.
This winter I had two experiences of falling. One was on my own, out in front my house. After getting over the shock, I ran with my proverbial tail between my legs back inside. The other time, I was with my two boys and their friend. I immediately started laughing, while they looked at me in horror, “Mum, WHY are you laughing? It’s NOT funny!” (They also quickly demanded if I was going to clean up the mess I made as I spilled my hot chocolate on the way down). I reflected on this during my drive, and as my older son is now getting to the stage of embarrassment, how do we temper that? I would prefer my kids to sing their hearts out all alone, or laugh if they fall, even if by themselves.
On a recent family drive, my youngest son, inspired by the “good things grow, in Ontario!” ads, rolled down his window and started singing that out the window. My older son immediately slunk down in his seat, and out of the corner of his mouth insisted, “Stop that right now! You are embarrassing me!” I couldn’t resist but roll down my window and follow suit to my younger son. My husband then chided me, “Some example you are!” To which I had to reply to both my husband and older son, “It would be one thing to sing out the window something rude, or say things which might make people feel bad. THAT would be wrong, and embarrassing. But why is it a BAD thing to spread your joy?”
Our friend’s daughter has recently been going through a tough time. She is at the worst age, 13, when the teenage world is new and VERY VERY scary. She had her haircut, too short in her opinion, and apparently the opinion of her classmates. She was teased over the course of a few days, which provoked severe anxiety for her. It broke my heart, because of course words of “Your hair will grow back! Besides, it’s what’s inside that counts!” seemed hollow. In a world that continues to portray conformity, it’s hard to sing your heart out, or fall and laugh at yourself.
So here is the compromise I’ve shared with my easily embarrassed son, and friend’s daughter – “Worry about what the people who matter to you think. Do you really think they will mind if your hair is too short? If you are singing a silly song out the car window?” I know I made progress with my son at least; most recently when we were driving on a rainy Monday, I put on “Rainy Days and Mondays” by the Carpenters, turned up the volume, and started singing. My younger son immediately rolled down his window and started waving to people as we passed. My older son only slightly slunk down in his seat, and just sighed and said, “you guys!”
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I was just thinking about something very similar with my two kids and what a magical trait young kids have, that they aren’t so self-aware and self-conscious. They’re comfortable in their own little bodies and the world around them. My hope is that this lasts as long as possible…
that’s very thoughtful – sometimes as adults, we forget the innocence of youth, i would love to be that parent singing out loud.