In Letter to My Younger Self, writers share their innermost thoughts on how they are learning to love their older, stronger and happier selves.
Dear Younger Self,
I know life is hell right now. I know that it takes all of your energy just to get out of bed and thinking about feeling better is like thinking about moving to Mars one day. Believe it or not, however, hope is much closer than you think.
Being a teen sucks, but what they don’t tell you is that you are almost there. They tell you that after high school you can decide what career you want, but more importantly, you can decide what kind of life you want. You are almost at the point where you are old enough and capable enough to live on your own, and that is the key. No longer under your parents’ command, you can take care of yourself and do what you love! Sleep in, stay up late, play your music loud. Choose your groceries, your apartment décor, your reason for getting up every day, be it going to school or writing a music blog. The opportunities and choices are endless. Once you are an adult you are your own responsibility by law. You are free!
Until then, hang on! And remember that you have more control in your life right now than you realize. I know you hate all the preppy kids at your school, so go find a school where you do fit in. You might not like the kids at a new school any better than the ones at your current school, but there is a chance that you will like them better. You’ll never know if you don’t take that chance and when you are unhappy, the best thing you can do for yourself is create change. It’s the only way to feel better.
Keep Dancing, Playing and Dreaming
Yes, your parents are making you feel like depression is shameful, but it isn’t. There is nothing wrong with you and you don’t need to hide. Even though you feel so down every day, don’t give up on the things that bring you joy, or used to bring you joy. Keep going to dance classes, keep playing basketball, keep your dream of being a counsellor at summer camp. Even if these things don’t bring you as much joy as they used to, they will bring you some joy. If you give them up then all you will have is your pain.
Now, some words on self-destruction. Yes, you have been using it as a tool to get through your days and it has worked for you a little or else you wouldn’t have been doing it. It does, however, keep you depressed. When you self-injure, you are becoming your own abuser. You are confirming in your mind all of the bad things people have told you about yourself. Those people are wrong and you are letting them win by siding with them. Don’t side with them! Hurting yourself only makes you weak in spirit so that when the next person comes along that wants to hurt you, you won’t have the strength to resist. Plus, years down the road you’re going to get a beautiful tattoo over some of the scars on your arm. People will wonder why the tattooed skin isn’t smooth and you will realize how much better the tattoo would look had you not given yourself those scars.
In addition to self-injury, I know you will battle with food. Everyone warns teens about the dangers of eating disorders, but one thing they don’t tell you is that with an eating disorder you feel tired all day, every day. You feel sick, insubstantial, and nauseous. You think it will make people understand that you are in pain, but most of them won’t notice your pain. They will just get angry at you. The only way to tell the world that you are in pain is to use your words. Tell people that you are in pain and that you need help. Tell everyone until someone listens. Someone WILL listen! Plus, if your body doesn’t have the calories it needs to respond to help, the help will be useless. A brain and heart need energy to heal.
‘When You Want to Die, Think About Your Favourite Book, Movie or Song’
So (forget) everyone and worry about yourself! No one has cared about you and soyou have to care for you. If you are having a bad day at school and want to hurt yourself, leave class and go do something nice for yourself. Read your favourite book, go buy a treat, or lie outside in the sun. Make a list of things you can do to help yourself feel better and carry it with you. Next time you want to hurt yourself, check out that list instead. You will feel one thousand times better than you will if you hurt yourself. If people don’t understand why you have to go and be nice to yourself, (forget) them. You are the one that has to live your life, not them!
When you want to die, think about your favourite book, movie or song. What if you hadn’t lived long enough to discover it? Just think about all the books and movies and music that are going to come out in the future. Maybe your favourite band will even come play in your city and you will get a backstage pass. If you don’t stick around, you will never get to live out your dreams!
Keep breathing, keep hanging on. One day this will all make sense, I promise. You are going to continuously surprise and amaze yourself in the future. I promise, it will all be worthwhile.
[This article was written by Erin. Erin is a pug owner, aspiring writer and artist. She is a long-time volunteer, and now employee, of mindyourmind. Her blog posts appear regularly on mindyourmind.ca and mindyourmindpro.ca.]
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