I was recently lectured by a 6 year old about smoking. Not that I even smoke. Nor does he know that I used to. But this kid went on and on, as we were happily eating ice cream on a lovely summer day, about the evils of smoking and smokers. And he’s right, it is a nasty habit. But he’s also wrong: all smokers are not evil, and I don’t think that is the right lesson to teach.
It’s hard in today’s world, where there a so many colours between the black and white. Parents should take the time to at least give a little bit of gray to their children’s world, if not a spectrum of colour. Take smoking for example: I do think it is a terrible habit, and hope that my kids never touch a cigarette. But to tell them anyone who smokes is bad, is extreme. We have smokers in our circle of family and friends. They are good, loving people, who just so happen to smoke.
When the boys ask, “Why do they smoke? Why don’t they stop? Don’t they know it’s bad for them?” I have to get into the area between the black and white.
Stopping isn’t so easy all the time, even if you know something is bad for you. (I could probably do with a little less chocolate in my life, but don’t think I’m ready to give it up any time soon!) Instead, try to have compassion for someone who in the case of addiction to cigarettes, has a kind of sickness, instead of wrinkling your nose and saying “Ewww!”.
Children need to learn that not only are their own feelings important, but other people’s feelings are too. Being too opinionated can hurt people’s feelings. And many subjects aren’t even as black and white as the smoking thing. Parents and their lifestyle can greatly impact the way children see the world. I’ve encountered some pretty hard core environmentalists, which is great for them – don’t get me wrong, but when kids start putting down other people’s choices, it’s time to look between the black and white again.
Not every family can afford to be 100% environmentally friendly. Maybe there are other reasons for the choices they make. Another example is food choices, whether it’s to eat meat or not, organic or not, how much sugar/sodium/etc you consume. Or whether or not you let your children play / watch anything remotely violent.
Everyone has their choice based on whatever reason. Why do I or my children have the right to judge?
Let’s face it, we all went into parenting thinking we’d be perfect: no TV, no candy, great sleeping habits, and so on. Who out there adhered perfectly to their perfect parent plan? I don’t think many, and that’s not a criticism, it is reality. “Judge not lest ye be judged” is one of those old sayings I like.
The world gets more complicated too, beyond your lifestyle choices, there is a world we have no control over. It’s a world where murders happen, wars happen, people live on the streets, children are starving and so on. None of that is black and white, especially depending what side you are on. Every situation, person, circumstance has its own story. Parents should take the time to tell more than one side of the story. No issue is black and white.
Another of my favourite sayings is “try walking in someone else’s shoes.” We would all have a lot to learn from that.
It’s great if we want our kids not to smoke, to be environmentalists, eat local products, to become political activists who will end poverty and war. Shouldn’t they be taught compassion and respect as well? As much as the world would indeed be a better place without smokers, if we were more ‘green’, if we could eliminate poverty and war; I think it would be an even better place if we all learned to respect the diversity in the world – people’s choices, people’s feelings – beyond the black and white.
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